Meticulously Obscure

Mission Unpossible: Tomothy Cruise V Superman

A film has happened and its name is this name: Mission Unpossible: Tomothy Cruise V Superman, and in this film superman is wearing a suit and a tie instead of his stupid outfit so nobody knows it’s him and he also doesn’t have a CGI mouth which further helps his disguising efforts because in real life the real life superman’s mouth is done with computers, we all know this of course, but I’m really not even sure if the director knew he’d cast the actual real life superman in the film or if he just thought he was someone that wasn’t superman, because superman’s powers are never used! Apart from one bit where he has to reload his arm-guns before punch-firing them in to a man’s face. Anyway superman tries to only just about beat T. Cruise by a little bit so that nobody will realise he’s the real life superman but at the crucial moment Tomothy calls on his magical Scientology powers and blasts superman in to the phantom zone with an energy beam that’s definitely over 9000 and then Wonder Woman doesn’t show up to save the day and nor does Batman nor Squirrel Girl nor Green Lantern so DC seem to really be limiting the budget on these superhero romps these days. With superman banished Tomothy summons the great Xenu to rule over Earth and turn all of mankind in to Thetans, which are two things real life Tomothy actually really believes in in actually real actual real life, but he’s good at running so let’s give him a pass.

Mission Impossible: Fallout is flippin’ phenomenal start* to finish, I literally rate it four quadrillion years out of four quadrillion years.

*aside from the terrible introductory exposition bit, but that’s in service of the rest of it being so good, so go easy yeah?

Steve • 19th September 2018


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