Meticulously Obscure

Only God Forgives Nicolas Winding Refn For Managing To Mess Up This Promising A Recipe

Take a sequence of visually arresting locations and some very pretty and interesting lighting setups, such as and and Bring to the boil and add in a generous helping of Kristin Scott Thomas as an alluring fuck-up of a mother and give her some very strongly flavoured lines that are all lewd and sweary. Season…

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Nightcrawler

Nightcrawler is great, could’ve been way longer and I’d still be singing its praises. I rate it 17 out of 19 creepy-eyed staring fucks.

The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty

The Secret Wife Of Walter Matthau film review: I liked it a lot but Walter Matthau’s not even in it and if anyone had any secret wives they were so secret they weren’t even mentioned so I don’t know why they called it that. I give it 17 out of 23 drunken pilots.

A Proof Of Creation

I have had a stunning revelation this morning and am now a believer: Biting your own tongue while trying to eat a thing is fucking annoying and ridiculous That it can happen is a pretty strong argument against us being some form of clever design If anyone religious had ever bitten their own tongue they’d…

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Lucy

Lucy is based on an idiotic central premise and makes zero sense and is stupid as shit BUT ALSO MAGNIFICENT you should totes see it.

The Lego Movie

The Lego Movie is just wonderful. I rate it 10 out of 10 ice planet Lego spaceman’s orange chainsaw things. Spaceship! Spaceship! Spaceship!

The Wolf Of Wall Street

The Wolf Of Wall Street: I give it 17 out of 19 lines of coke

22 Jump Street

Did you like 21 Jump Street? Answer either A: yes; B: no. If you answered mostly A: 22 Jump Street is flippin’ amazing and you should drop everything and go see it now, even if the cinema’s not showing it right now, break in and make your own screening. If you answered mostly B: wat

Godzilla

Godzilla review: takes itself very serious, and is therefore quite absurd. Also excellent though. And everyone says “nuclear” properly, every time. I’d advise, if you can, going to a screening where you aren’t sat next to a pair of pcp junkies walking in and out every few minutes, talking all the time, phoning people, and…

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Locke

Is it an Indian bird?! Is it an Alec Guinness plane!? Oh no it’s a Welsh Tom Hardy. Bizarre accent aside: Locke is really good. I give it 11 out of 13 Llanellis.

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