Meticulously Obscure

Lucy

Lucy is based on an idiotic central premise and makes zero sense and is stupid as shit BUT ALSO MAGNIFICENT you should totes see it.

The Lego Movie

The Lego Movie is just wonderful. I rate it 10 out of 10 ice planet Lego spaceman’s orange chainsaw things. Spaceship! Spaceship! Spaceship!

The Wolf Of Wall Street

The Wolf Of Wall Street: I give it 17 out of 19 lines of coke

22 Jump Street

Did you like 21 Jump Street? Answer either A: yes; B: no. If you answered mostly A: 22 Jump Street is flippin’ amazing and you should drop everything and go see it now, even if the cinema’s not showing it right now, break in and make your own screening. If you answered mostly B: wat

Godzilla

Godzilla review: takes itself very serious, and is therefore quite absurd. Also excellent though. And everyone says “nuclear” properly, every time. I’d advise, if you can, going to a screening where you aren’t sat next to a pair of pcp junkies walking in and out every few minutes, talking all the time, phoning people, and…

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Locke

Is it an Indian bird?! Is it an Alec Guinness plane!? Oh no it’s a Welsh Tom Hardy. Bizarre accent aside: Locke is really good. I give it 11 out of 13 Llanellis.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Captain Americans 2: he can winter my soldier any day

Amélie

In “Things Everyone Else Already Knows” news: Amélie is pretty fantastic. I give it 17 out of 17 ripped up bits of passport photo.

Biutiful

Steve watched Biutiful on his DVD player like some kind of old caveman still living in the physical world where objects are real things and not just electricles and now he’s all depressed, thanks Javier Bardem. Thavierbardem.

Brazil

Which form do I need to fill in to request a refund of the two hours I just spent watching Brazil?

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