The film is actually part of the new Star Trek reboot series so I don’t know why that’s not reflected in the title. It plays out like one of those comedy episodes of TNG, which is a bold move (but there are ZERO tribbles – big mistake!!!); Captain Kirk beams down to the surface of a planet where everyone’s a fucking moron and the height of humour is mentioning their reproductive organs, and has to do his level best to fit in, because he needs to locate a new shower head due to the Enterprise’s shower being broken and everyone on board has been pure caustic for weeks now. None of the other crew are there although one of them looks like someone put Commander Riker’s facial hair on to a child so I’m not sure if that’s part of the plot or weird fan service or what. Anyway eventually after like 90 minutes of dick jokes and Jennifer Aniston trying to bum everyone and all the other people just getting everything wrong all the time Kirk manages to find a B&Q that’s open on a Sunday and gets a new shower head, beams back to the ship, and everyone has a party to celebrate being clean again, where at one point Wesley Crusher is there and winks suggestively at the camera, which is probably the best bit of the film.

Overall it’s a horrible entrance to the Star Trek story and I really hope they get J J Abrams back for the next one. 1 out of 5 tribbles.