This thing has happened: I’ve decided I wanted to collate all the “film reviews”, ahem, that I’ve wrote on the Facebooks but don’t have here. As such: this ridiculous post.
The Space Year 2012
The Raid – if you’re a fan of fighting, or guns, or choreography, or nice camera work, or are male, or a bit of a sadist, you really should see this film. It’s flippin’ awesome.
The Space Year 2013
The Machinist: it’s quite the ride! Certainly kept me guessing more than Cabin In The Woodyharrelson did last night. I give it four and a half sleepless nights out of five.
For fans of films that turn out to be way, way better than their opening few minutes suggest, The World’s End is showing at a cinema near you now! Just don’t read anything about it before you go.
Destroying cities may be pretty much standard for big films right now, but Pacific Rim does it with some awesome style. I give it 7.3 out of 10 kaiju.
The Wolverine: makes up for the horror that was Origins. Bark!
Hugo Weaving’s accent as Red Skull in Captain America is possibly the best thing I’ve ever heard
The Space Year 2015
Ant-Man: super real-great
Adding Calvary to the “Films That Definitely Didn’t Get Me All Emotional A Bit” list
The Martian: so goofy I thought I’d accidentally gone to see an episode of Archer at the flicks #pfffffff
The Space Year 2016
Hateful Eight: it’s super-real-good, yo! Especially in 70mm, very nice looking indeed.
Also, SPOILER ALERT it probably* holds the world record for number of N-bombs dropped in a film
*or not, apparently!
Creed is a real good film about punching, yo. Of all the films that revolved around punching, this is one of the punchiest. Punch it in to your life!
Wonder Woman is awesome. Batfleck is awesome. BvS has done me an excite. It’s a bit messy tho.
10 Cloverfield Lane review: it is super very real good! John’s Goodman is good… man. Haha! He’s very good and it’s very good too.
MILD SPOILER ALERT PZOMBG
It’s got absolutely zero to do with Cloverfield. Zero. Bit cheaty marketing.
Holy actual massive balls, Captains Americans: Civil War is just brilliant. It’s like Winter Soldier but more, and just fantastic, especially with the mess that was Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Our Moms Have The Same Name So Let’s Kiss still in recent memory.
Here is a film review: Ghostbusters is real bad.
Star Trek Beyond: really very good, not totally Fast & Furiousy, good addition to the series. I give it four out of five Shatner’s Bassoons.
Stephen Strange has better handwriting than Stephen Griffiths.
Also: Doctor Strange is super real good! Bendydick Cabbagepatch is superb, there’s some amazing visuals, and it’s pretty great.
The Accountant is in a lot of parts fantastic but in some small but very important parts utterly fucking
retarded differently abled.
Despite being full of some aliens, Arrival is only pretending to be science fiction. It’s good, mind.
Rogue One: pretty great once it gets up to speed! Also look out for the Four Lions reference.
Passengers is a pretty good film, despite its 30% on RT, if you’re in to depictions of sci-fi futures that are reasonably well fleshed out but don’t 100% hold your hand but do at least do some maths right but then again do position Arcturus about twice as close to us and 2,808 times smaller than it should be.
I give it “Make it so, number 0.65” out of “Make it so, number one”. That’s a Star Trek reference.
The Space Year 2017
Zootopia review: flippin’ great!
The Lego Batman Movie is pretty fantastic yo
John Wick 2 though: just watch the first one again but sit closer to the TV
Logan is bloody great
[angry stabs intensify]
Kong: Skull Island is like that one time you went to the cinema expecting to see something average but it turned out to be something really great
Ghost In The Shell: Whitewash Edition is like that time you went to the cinema hoping the critics were wrong but then it turned out you were wrong #justwatchtheanime that said it does *look* glorious
Life is like a box of chocolates – much more enjoyable when there aren’t a group of **** fucks sat behind you talking the whole time and a guy in front of you getting his phone out every few minutes. It’s a decent film. Let’s say 7 out of 10 space stations? Seems fair.
8 Fast 8 Furious is 8bsol8ly men8l b8 n8 for the over the top s8 pieces, no sir; for the 8rly insane pl8 twis8s and “charac8r b8s”. Holy moly. Luckily there’s enough of the charism8ic ones to make it n8 awful, b8 8’s no Fast Five! Or 7ast 7urious for th8 m8er. B8 8’s b8r than Fa6t Furiou6 so th8’s good. Cars! ZoooOOOooom.
Also there was a baby crying most the way through and its retard parents had the nerve to try the “I paid for my ticket just like you!!!” angle when someone had a go at them later. Amazing. Why can’t scum all just realise they’re scum and just go away, god.
I’m comin’ straight outta Compton with a loose cannon, smoke big green call it Bruce Banner, watch your manners; in other words, Straight Outta Compton is a mighty fine documentary, homie
Gardening In A Galaxy: Vol 2 sees our favourite space-horticulturists having even more zany adventures as their attempts to grow their very own talking plant continue apace. It is flippin’ brilliant and you will Definitely Not get emotional at any point just like I didn’t.
Additionally, it’s Kurt Russell in a modern big budget spectacle of a thing where he actually does some acting, which is nice. Makes up for his joke of a Fast & Furious presence.
I rate it I am Groo out of I am Groot.
Hoy paloy, Alien: Convent takes the franchise in a very strange new direction indeed! It sees everyone’s’ favourite recursively-mouthed chest extruders realising the error of their ways after being filled with the Light ™ of our Lord ™ and starting up a convent!!! Once the latest collection of intrepid space explorers stumble across the alien convent on the latest alien space planet they’ve accidentally wound up getting stranded on, things initially look scary due to the aliens’ hideous visage but then look hopeful due to the aliens now being nuns and that. Both species join together in prayer and share stories of their spiritual gobbledegook, comparing and contrasting alien space jesus with human space jesus. Sadly once the aliens learned of crucifixion and realised their special mouths would be really good at doing that they crucified everyone THE END.
Aliens: Convenient (Stupidity) is pretty good though and there’s a lot less convenient stupidity than there was in Prometheus so that was nice.
Special News Bulletin: The Nice Guys ist das sehr guten moviefilm
B, A, B, Y, Baby? Yeah.
(((Baby Driver is this sort of film: a really great one)))
Spideymans: Homecoming, is an interesting high concept art film about a man who has a pet spider and comes home to him a lot. It is a succession of scenes of him coming home to his spider and saying “oh hey man” and then the spider doesn’t react, because it’s a spider, and then the man is a bit upset but pretty much carries on with his day. This happens 305 times one after another for the full 133 minute runtime of the film. It was really boring and must’ve been a metaphor or something idk I haven’t got a clue but I really liked it because it was clever probably?
Meanwhile in alternate reality number 616 the moviefilm Spiderman: Homecoming is a really great entry in the Marvel Cinemagic Universings with a good villain and doesn’t bother re-telling Peter Parker crying over some rice for a *third* cinematic time, thankfully. It has a lot of great stuff in it.
I give it 7.16 out of 8 spider’s legs. Big scary ones, like off one of those jungle tarantula bastards.
Post-review bonus scene: Did you know spider legs are hydraulic? That’s why they curl up when they pop their rather numerous little clogs, because the fluid required to keep them out loses its pressure. #SPIDARFACTS
If you’re a fan of experiencing things, you could do a lot worse than seeing the film Dunkirk in Imax. It’s rather the spectacle.
Tonight I done a watch of the new movieflicks cinema film IT’S and boy oh boy let me tell you I had no idea being a family fun time family friendly clown who is fun for all the family could be so much fun! IT’S is quite a revealing documentary for example did you know that fun friendly frolicking family clowns like to do some/more/all/none of the following:
– play in a drain
– eat a small hand
– paint their face white
– destroy the lives of dozens of families
This sounds like the life for me so if anyone knows where the clown college is so I can become like IT’S please let me know xoxo
Might require ein bisschen suspension of disbelief at times, but Victoria is two hours twenty of immersive, tense, single-take brilliance.
And! They shot the entire thing, all two hours twenty of it, in one go, not stitching together scenes cleverly like what Birdman did.
Blade Runner 2049 is fliiiiiiiippin’ fantastic and deffffffinitely worth shoving up your eye-holes but it’s a bit long and drawn out in places so make sure you’re extra awake before you start.
I give it 1,873 out of 2,049 extremely drawn out bassy synth notes.
Certainly one thing I did not expect a Marvel film to reference was a New Zealand anti-drink-driving ad but that’s what Thor: Ragnarok went and did.
Other things Thor: Ragnarok went and did:
– had a lot more humour than I was expecting
– be really super great story-wise
– be super really great visuals-wise
– no like, really, super, amazing visuals
– have just the right amount of ’80s-esque synths in it to be greatly really super and not “oh look it’s more nostalgia hurf durf”
– ruin any chance of me doing a bizarre review of it by itself being very bizarre
It also made me fall in love with the Goddess of Death, so make way Thanos, I’ve some infinity stones to collect.
I just watched Bright too and boy oh boy those critics are being way overly harsh. It’s got a fair old whack of B-grade jank like a Blade sequel or Underworld film, sure, but it’s a damn good romp and the world is fantastic. I give it 75w out of 100w light bulb do you see what I did there that’s a joke about “bright” things hahaha ok never mind.
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, or as it’s also known, Cara Delevingne and the Accent of Both Sides of the Atlantic, or as it’s also known, Chemistry and the Lead Actors of Not Having Much Of It, or as it’s also known, Amazing Visuals and the Plot of Innumerable Failings, or as it’s also known, Ethan Hawke and the Casting Decision of a Million Whys, or as it’s also known, Rihanna and the Pole Dance of a Dozen Costumes and One Of Them’s a Nurse Outfit , or as it’s also known, Clive Owen and the Inclusion of Him in Films For Some Reason, or as it’s also known, Two Hours Seventeen Minutes and the Never Getting of Them Back, has done me a right old disappoint 🙁
War (for the) Planet (of the) Apes is a great send off for a pretty fly trilogy. Films, together, strong.
It’s real great, and doesn’t insult the previous films in the series by completely changing everything for no reason, unlike a certain somefilm else I could mention
The Space Year 2018
In the moviefilm Atomic Blonde Ja Das Ist Mein Funky Zeit there’s a bit where a fully intact human fits inside the front boot of a 964 Turbo, and aside from James McAvoy being excellent and one amazing faux-single-take fight sequence, that’s all we really need to say about the whole film.
How about a wee quiz?
Do you like to see a film?
A ) yes
B ) no
You will like Black Panther then it’s really great
A ) yes
If you answered mostly A, then you might like to go see Black Panther, which is really great!
Avengers: Infinity War is a film which features the Avengers in a War over the Infinity stones. In the film, which is a form of entertainment where ~24 images per second flash in front of your face and magic gubbins inside your boney old skull makes you perceive “motion” and “things”, some characters take part in some events. There are significantly fewer than infinity characters and also fewer than infinity events, but the characters, who are a form of people, and the events, what are a form of thing, are infinitely enjoyable.
Anyway I’m tired; it is a simply incroyable wonder of a thing and I rate it (the set of real numbers) out of (the set of natural numbers).
Don’t Breathe is a film from 2016 what makes you sign a contract before you watch it to say you Won’t Breathe for the entirety of its 88 minute runtime and while that is literally quite impossible it’s very worth doing and risking either holding your breath to death or winding up in jail for breach of contract because it’s a bloody great film to watch either with or without oxygen in your lungs.
I give it -15 out of -20 decibels, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean.
In news that can only fittingly, and legally, be described as “holy flying shitballs”, it turns out that Deadpool 2 is everything you could ever want in a fOUrTh waLl BrEAking comedy sequel that manages to surpass its forerunner and not just deliver mOrE of tHE saMe pLeaSe LOLLE.
22 Jump Street is no longer an only child.