“You people just cannot be trusted” – Cameron
UK Prime Minister David Cameron called an emergency press conference at 8am this morning, to announce that the usual 1st April tradition of April Fools’ Day would be cancelled this year for the general public’s safety, in light of the recent petrol panic-buying trauma.
“It is with great sadness that I have had to take this decision, and I must emphasise that I have not taken it lightly, ” began the PM, in a sombre tone “but you guys… I just… I don’t even know any more. I really don’t. You’ve let me down big time with this panic-buying shit, guys”.
“I’ve been left with no choice but to cancel April Fools’ Day” he continued. “After what you’ve shown me over the last few days, I cannot take the risks of you buying into any of the big scams, jokes or tricks traditionally associated with 1st April. You’re too much of a liability, all of you”.
Cameron paused for a moment, appearing visibly distraught, before ending “For fucks sake, people”.
Implementing The Ban
Deputy PM Nick Clegg followed on from Cameron to announce further details of the implementation of the ban. “I too am sorely disappointed with the intellect of the British public displayed over the last few days, ” he began “and fully supported the PM in making this decision.”
“Anyone found to be attempting to trick or scam either large groups of people, or individuals, will be sentenced automatically to one day in jail for every person they attempted to fool. Yes, we’re suspending habeas corpus for this. That’s how pissed off we are”.
He added “If you think anyone has attempted to trick or fool you in any way, do not hesitate in contacting your local police station. We need to stop this thing before it gets out of hand”.
Clegg too then left the conference. Some in attendance claim to have seen a tear in his eye, but this can not be confirmed at this time.