Meticulously Obscure

Jurassic World

Jurassic World is not as silly as the trailer made it look but it’s still pretty silly. They sneakily went and added loads of references to the original though, which made me go all gooey due to it being perfect, and that. I give it 39,000,000 out of 65,000,000 years.

John Wick

“John Wick is a hyper-stylised bullet opera where there’s very little substance but it’s awesome, probably go see it I guess?” – Steve Trevor, Wonder Woman’s boyfriend

Fast & Furious 7

Fast & Furious 7 marks quite a derparture for the series, insofar as it’s actually a biopic about a pervy cameraman who can’t stop pointing his cameramajig at “the ladies”. He’s pointing it at the ladies’ be-hinds, and their front-hinds, and pretty much every -hind you can imagine a lady might have. He’s travelling over…

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’71

’71, on the other hand, is flippin’ harrowing. Imogen Poots isn’t in it so it only gets 1.9 out of 2 nearly-identical-religious-denominations-that-nonetheless-spend-an-awful-lot-of-time-trying-to-kill-each-other.

Need For Speed

Need For Speed is the worst film I’m seen since Horrible Bosses 2, and it loses even more points for reminding me that I once sat through Hobbirle Bosses 2. Anyway in this film Breaking Bad Junior stars as a man who really really wants to launch a successful film career by watching Speed on…

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Big Hero 6

Big Hero 6 is real good. Like, real real good. I give it 6 badaladaladaladalaas out of 6 badaladaladaladalaas.

Ex Machina

Ex Machina is really great and it’s pure coincidence that I think this and that there’s a female computer in it. Pfft shut up. 64 out of 64 “bits”.

Foxcatcher

Foxcatcher; or, A Sexually Repressed Old Man Has A Bit Of A Fiddle With My Name Jeff And Only The Incredible Hulk Can Save The Day. It’s rather good.

The Unexpected Virtue Of Iñárritu

Or: A Post About Birdman With A Rather Pretentious Title Birdman, though not a film about a man who becomes an actual real half-man-half-budgie as I was hoping it would be, is nonetheless pretty magnificent, and as Edwyn Collins once sang, I’ve never known (seen) a girl (film) like you (this: Birdman) before. First pretty…

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A Clockwork Orange

If you’re after a period of time to have existed in that was really long, drawn out, and annoying, at least going on its cinematic output, then based on A Clockwork Orange I can highly recommend giving the non-space-decade the ’70s a visit. You’ll be amazed at just how weird-for-the-sake-of-it and obtuse everything is! Sure…

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