Cruisin’ down the street in my six-fo’
Jockin’ the bitches, slappin’ the hoes
Went to the park to get the scoop
Knuckleheads out there, cold-shootin’ some hoops
A car pulls up, who can it be?
A fresh El Camino rollin’, Kilo G
He rolled down his window and he started to say
It’s all about makin’ that GTA

Yes that new film which nobody was ever really asking for has finally arrived, and only six years after its originating TV show came to a conclusive conclusion! It is of course the obscurely titled “El Camino: A Star Wars Story” in which we get yet another revision on the Greedo/Han “who shot first?!” controversy. I really wish that was more of a farcical joke than it is.

It’s quite a strange setting for a A Star Wars Story story insofar as very little of it takes place in space and there isn’t too much of a war going on either. Aside from Han Solo and Greedo I didn’t even recognise any of the other characters. I think Chewbacca got shot by the police because they mistook him for a dog and that’s why he’s not there?

Actually I’m pretty tired and pretending I thought this was a A Star Wars Story story just because the title is postfixed in a similar way to Solo is too much effort. Oh well!

There are only really two burning questions on the chapped-up lips of everyone that’s been eagerly awaiting this film that nobody wanted for the last 6 years:

• Does he say “Yeah bitch!!!” again like the good old days?
• Is Malcom In The Middle’s dad/Godzilla’s friend in it at all?

and I’m glad to report that you’ll find the answer to both of these if you watch it. That’s how watching things works. Yeah bitch!

I don’t really know why it exists but it’s mostly good apart from that one weird pistols-at-dawn shootout bit that made no sense at all; most importantly, it feels like Breaking Bad. I think the highlight is the return of Meth Damon and he’s just as much a terrifying simpleton-sociopath as he ever was. Without him it’d be pretty nothing-y.

I rate it Jesse Pinkman out of Walter White.